Weather On The North Coast

According to the Julian calendar, winter is officially three months long and conjures up warm and fuzzy images of “The Holidays” (also known as “Entertain Relatives That Drive You Nuts Season”), charming snowmen, extensive feasting (remember, food served at a holiday party has no calories), riotous snowball fights (the only time you are permitted to throw something at your annoying neighbor and not incur an assault charge), sledding/skiing/snowboarding (all categorized under “Sports That Will Eventually Put You In The Hospital”), ice fishing (there is no “off season” in fishing!) and holiday caroling (another perfectly legal way to exact revenge on an annoying neighbor, especially at 3AM: “now BRING us some FIGGY PUDDING, DANG IT!”).

If you reside in the upper Midwest, you know that Julian calendar LIES. Winter is endured for seven months, whereas summer is four and a half months long, spring lasts two weeks and autumn normally falls on a Wednesday or Thursday.

In Northeast Ohio (“NEO”), winter unofficially begins the latter half of October (carefully selected Halloween costumes are concealed under a parka, snow pants and boots). Winter is unofficially over April 15^th, the last true chance for snowfall but not the last opportunity for a hard frost so don’t even THINK about planting tomatoes or putting away the ice scraper.

During the first snowfall, most NEOers (“people who don’t have the funds or common sense to move to Florida”) greet winter as a festive backdrop (“oh, how pretty!”) until they remember they have to go to work, which entails 1) wrapping oneself in 15 to 20 pounds of outerwear, 2) dropping the car keys in the snow at least twice, 3) warming up the car to maybe 50 degrees and 4) brushing off 6” of snow/scraping ice from the windows.  NEOers also forget their winter driving skills and, for the first three weeks of winter, average driving speed on major roads top off at about 20 MPH, unless you drive an SUV: then you’re cruising over curbs, tree lawns, sidewalks, parked cars and the remains of frozen postal carriers just to get around the Nervous Nellies who are scared of actually using the accelerator and why won’t they get out of MY WAY-

SLAP!

Thanks…sorry about that. The first major hurdle is making it out of your driveway. During the night, magic elves in their massive Ohio Department of Transportation snowplows have been clearing the main roads and, by 6AM, there’s a two foot mound of snow, ice and rock salt with the consistency of concrete sitting on your driveway apron. If not cleared immediately, nothing short of dynamite will remove this road block. (Note: save your vacation time for winter, you may need it when you’re trapped at home with nothing to eat in the house except a jar of green olives and four week old beef jerky.)

In early January, once the glow of “The Holidays” wears off, NEOers have had more than enough winter, thank you very much. The landscape becomes an Ansel Adams photograph: the sky is gray, the ground is light gray, the trees are dark gray and every car has a healthy winter coat of gray road salt. While some people do enjoy romps in the woods or hitting the slopes, most cocoon themselves at home, wrapped in four layers of blankets (it’s either keep the thermostat at 62 degrees or watch the gas meter spin like a centrifuge). By February, cabin fever is rampant and the Ohio groundhog, Buckeye Chuck, is sequestered in his hole in mortal terror of winter-weary NEOers, fearful he won’t see tomorrow, let ALONE his shadow, if he sticks his head out. Spring is only a distant dream in March (12” to 14” snowfall is not uncommon in this area during March, which is why the stores stop selling shovels and snow blowers in late February) and, if Easter should fall in late March, folks dress in their Easter finery which they conceal under a parka, snow pants and boots, thus signaling the eventual coming of spring.

And do not get me started on wind chill factors or lake effect snow. Please.