The drive to the office has become, for me, a study of the complexities of human nature. Normal, ordinary folks with whom you’d be happy to share a meal, watch a movie or join in a tour through a museum seem to experience a personality transplant once they turn the ignition key. Much like Bruce Banner’s transformation into the Incredible Hulk, many morning commuters assume dual identities that can make the drive to the office a harrowing Mario-Kart experience or a white knuckle NASCAR training session.
After years of careful observation, I’ve been able to categorize the various personalities that I share the road with (and although I use male pronouns in my examples, women are just as prone to these personalities as men):
1) The “My Ride Is Bigger Than Your Ride” Driver: Normally cruising in a pickup or SUV large enough to rate its own ZIP code and either rattling your windows with cranked up alternative rock or “tricked out” huge exhaust pipes, this driver lives by the motto ‘size is everything’. Although he gets points for protecting you and six or seven other drivers from dangerous UV rays by eclipsing the sun, the super-sized driver also blocks all view of what’s behind, beside, in front of and, possibly, above your vehicle.
2) The “I Brake For Invisible Animals” Driver: The driver in front of you has a tendency to, for no apparent reason and without warning, repeatedly tap the brakes. Regardless that the next stop sign or streetlight is a half mile away, that there isn’t a police cruiser or speed camera in sight and the road is clear of congestion, construction or small woodland creatures; this driver, using an internal radar system, has determined that it is imperative to stop the car HERE…or maybe HERE…or right about HERE, turning you into a collectable bobble-head all the way to the office.
3) The “I Make My OWN Speed Limit” Driver: This driver may be either a Dr Jekell or a Mr, Hyde: Dr. Jekell is a very careful driver who has decided that 35MPH is a little reckless and 25-30MPH is plenty fast enough for this commute. Meanwhile, Mr. Hyde sees the speed limit as more of a suggestion from the friendly folks at the Department of Transportation and there’s no harm adding another 10-15MPH, as long as you MOVE YOUR CARCASS OUT OF HIS WAY, HE’S LATE TO WORK!
4) The “Proctologist” Driver: You see him coming in your rearview mirror and, for one heart stopping moment, you’re not sure he has any intention of slowing – but he does, two inches from your bumper. And there he remains: regardless of the speed of traffic, approach to a stop sign, right or left turns – two inches from your bumper. Nothing short of the Jaws of Life will separate the two of you and, should this driver ever change lanes, he immediately closes the gap with the next driver. “Drafting equals better mileage!” and “I’m gonna MAKE you hurry up!” are these driver’s mottos.
5) The “This Is MY Lane, Dang It!” Driver: This driver picks one lane and STAYS there. FOREVER: the rationale being, “I’ll be turning left soon so I need to stay in the left lane”. “Soon” may be Canada
6) The “Multi-tasking” Driver: You’ve seen this driver (you may BE this driver). If it’s not talking on the cell phone, it’s texting on the Blackberry, checking stocks on the laptop, reading the paper, watching “The Little Mermaid” on DVD (and you end up watching it also, if you’re following this driver), reviewing sales reports, fixing the hair/makeup, grooming the dog, cooking up an omelet, performing brain surgery or flower arranging: anything except watching the road, which explains the erratic speeds, weaving and running stoplights.
The point is, let’s all be careful out there. It’s called “sharing the road” and just because you can do cool things with a 2000 pound moving object, doesn’t mean you should.
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